Listen to us now! Click the player.

Categories

Michelle: The Story Of a TG Woman’s Evolution (VII)

TG trans-woman, breast forms, breastsLeading With Her Breasts

There came a time during the flurry of filling her closet that Michelle told me she wanted to talk about breasts. She revealed that, despite having a couple of different sizes of very nice breast forms we’d found for her along the way, those just weren’t enough.

I knew exactly what she meant…

Real Versus Not

Michelle went on to tell me that somewhere down the line she wanted real breasts; the high-end “fake breasts” were nice to have, but they were no substitute for the real things. They weren’t HERS!

She said she’d been thinking in real depth about the versatility of breast forms versus the relative permanence of selecting and settling on one breast size – and then she thought about how she feels about being a woman and what that means for her as an individual.

She had pondered breast augmentation before bringing it up, and she wanted me to know she was serious – and she had done her homework.

Being a Responsible Woman

Now, Michelle was not talking about haphazardly running out for a new pair of breasts as soon as she possibly could. She knew that being a responsible TS woman (her preferred terminology for herself!) who was entertaining options for possibly altering her body in a permanent way meant looking beyond just the physical transformations she could make.

It meant looking at herself, her mental health, her sexuality, her body, and her gender identity in a comprehensive way. She needed to think about her inside and out, complete feminization, as only she could.

TG, TS, breast augmentation, top surgery, transition, breasts

Whatever she did, she knew it had to be right for her.

Doing Her Research: Step One

Michelle had been scouting various transgender and TS-friendly sites, reading up on the various stages of transitioning, and knew that the first thing she needed was to find a good counselor.

This would have to be someone she trusted to be a partner in the various stages of her full feminization and transformation as Michelle saw it for her own case.

She had to seek out someone she could count on to help her find the right path and accomplish the necessary steps for legally becoming a woman, living as a woman, and changing her body in the way(s) she wanted, however extensive those changes might be, up to and including gender confirmation surgery IF that was what Michelle decided she needed to do.

Encouraging a Good Decision

Being well aware of the requirements for full transitioning and knowing Michelle identified as transsexual, I fully endorsed her decision; it would be crucial for her to find the proper fit a counselor, whether or not she had any immediate intention of pursuing GCS.

So… Michelle did find a counselor – and it wasn’t after many visits that Michelle brought up other possibilities with me…

TG, transgender, MTF, transwoman

Michelle: The Story Of a TG Woman’s Evolution (VI)

Feminization Gone Wild!transwoman, feminization, TG, TS

Internet Shopping to the nth Power

Michelle and I soon got to work on building her a wardrobe, about which she was very excited but still a little apprehensive. She was not comfortable going out to shop, so we would shop online, working together to select pieces that reflected her style and taste. It was time to find Michelle’s personalized look and discover how her external feminization would manifest!

This was such a big deal for her, so I surely didn’t want Michelle to just settle for anything, so we spent many hours over many months looking at panties, bras, other lingerie items, different blouses, skirts, pants, jeans, casual tops, hosiery, flats, high heels, sandals, and more!

Once Michelle got started, it was like watching a tiny snowball after it’s pushed off a towering mountain, building in speed, momentum, and size. She was bitten by the full feminization bug, and Michelle had a serious case!

And Do You Make Michelle’s Final Cut?

When she received items she’d ordered, it was like a feminization audition for the clothes, with Michelle being the judge who decided of they were worthy of expressing her specific idea of femininity as an individual woman with a mind of her own.

Since she was not able to try them on until they arrived, there were inevitably pieces that did not fit the way she wanted or the color wouldn’t be exactly the hue she’d thought it would be – but that did not slow her down or discourage her whatsoever. She was on feminization fire… a whirlwind of a woman… a frenzied female… and a most gracious girl.

Like Watching a Delicate Flower Blossom

It was a beautiful experience to see Michelle so delighted and enthusiastic growing in this way. She was growing into a supreme example of the joy that feminization should bring.

While she’d always known she was female, she’d never before known how she might most want to express that outwardly in what she wore, and she paid attention not only to how things looked on her, but how they made her feel.

Her learning curve was no doubt a rapid one – and she kept right on chugging, eventually being dressed every second of every moment that she was at home alone. Every time I would talk to her, she would excitedly ask, “Guess what I’m wearing right now?!”

But it wasn’t just her wardrobe that was changing…TG, transgender, MTF, transwoman

Michelle: The Story Of a TG Woman’s Evolution (V)

TG, TS, transwoman, TG support*Beyond the Post: Listen here for more on Michelle, her worries, her bravery, and more.*

Creating a Solid, Stable Environment for Michelle

Immediate Goals as a Transwoman

Michelle told me that she wanted to begin expressing herself more at home and eventually live as a transwoman in the comfort of her own space. She asked me to help her overcome her fears and reassure her, despite the fact that she had complete privacy there.

She told me she felt she was being unreasonable, too paranoid, and her fear of the discovery of any sign of her feminization (“even something as harmless as a single piece of lingerie that could belong to anyone”) at home was illogical – and she felt so comfortable with me that she trusted me to help her find the sense of balance and reason she wanted.

Michelle said she HAD to find a way to move forward toward her true self; she was just so afraid.

Confidante AND Protector

Respecting Her Bravery

Michelle knew, as I’d told her many times, that I understood her reasons for being so cautious, and her safety -both physical and mental- was very important to me. I was not about to encourage or support her doing something that would jeopardize those things. I was on her side, and wanted ONLY the best for her, across the board.

Admitting she was transgender and transsexual was a most significant move -conquering an exceptionally difficult hurdle on her part- and I only wanted to support her bravery and help her determine how far she did -or did not- want to go as a transwoman. I wanted her courage to grow, never weaken or falter. I wanted her to see how strong she is.

Respecting Her Hesitation

transwoman, TG support, MTF

Since I am not myself TG, I wanted her to know that I nonetheless appreciate and very much empathize with the challenges faced and myths battled by many who are transgender -bigender, trans-woman, trans-man, transsexual, and others- commonly share, and understandably so. Given that fact, I would NEVER push her to out herself at ANY time nor would I push her in a direction toward which she expressed she wished to go.

I told her I would always respect her, support her, and give her my fullest acceptance her just as she is – and however far she did or did not decide to go, as long as she was not doing anything that might prove detrimental to her well-being.

Respecting Her As a Fellow Woman, Not Just a Transwoman

My only goal was to help her find happiness in the way which she felt was right for her when she weighed all the factors of her own life experience. I would love nothing more than for her to be able to live full time as the woman she is… to be known and appreciated as the wonderful woman she is… and to never have to suffer any stigma, judgment, rejection or harassment for being a transwoman.

I mean really, a woman is a woman! WHY can’t people just accept people for who they are, NOT who they think or insist that person SHOULD be?!?! (Michelle loved it when I would go on a “fairness tirade,” as she called it. She would laugh at my fire and fury and joked with me, saying, “And people would call me the crazy one for calling a phone sex line!”)

I think my stomping on my soapbox only led Michelle to feel safer and even braver. After one of my particularly passionate rants about looking in the mirror and KNOWING who you are, regardless of what your body tries to tell you, Michelle laughed and said, “My body can shut up. We’re going to dress it as… ME!”

TG, transgender, MTF, transwoman

                   Click on my signature above for the accompanying free audio.

 

Michelle: The Story Of a TG Woman’s Evolution (IV)

Time Passed By…trans-woman, MtF, transgender, transsexual

Sticks and Stones

As Michelle grew older, those feelings of better relating to girls did not go away; in fact, they only seemed to grow exponentially stronger. While there were those who would bully her and call her a “sissy,” she said the cruelty hurt, but that word didn’t, as she knew it was completely inaccurate when it came to describing her – and it never dampened the feelings she had about herself.

Unexpected Friends

The name-calling -despite the fact that Michelle said, while she WAS soft-spoken and shy, she was not actually effeminate- led to an understandable self-instituted social isolation (a protective measure she now says). Her only real friends were others who were also bullied – and the girls who took up for her.

When Michelle was telling me about these experiences, she said it was really strange at the time (“back then”) because she almost felt like her girlfriends were taking up for “one of their own” because she “was one of them” – and she found that “novel kind of acceptance, as it felt,” oddly comforting and reassuring…

With Age Comes Wisdom

Knowing Herself

On what she had been picking up about herself, however abstract or confusing before, it was not some phase she would outgrow. This wasn’t some transient feeling or identity crisis. She never thought of herself as a sissy or a crossdresser; Transgender is what she was! Transsexual (TS), in fact! She was female!!!!

She says she believes it wasn’t necessarily that her feelings grew stronger with time, but that the sensation as though it had was merely brought about by her advancing maturity, cognitive development, and sense of self-awareness.

Knowing Herself, Despite Others

In retrospect, she said she knew without one iota of doubt that she was inside a girl. As far as being transgender, she was definitively transsexual, a trans-woman – and she is positive she was born that way, where a mix-up occurred, leaving her body at odds with her sense of identity.

Michelle later told me that while the bullying had always made her feel like an outsider or oddity, she thinks she never doubted her TG identity because she WAS born that way. It was no choice she made; biology merely got its wires crossed.

Promising Not To Tell

While she now knew this -being a girl, being a trans-woman- was how she’d always been and always would be, she was horrified at the thought of revealing her true self to ANYONE. She was sure no one would understand nor would they give her the opportunity to explain how she felt being transsexual and longing for nothing more than to have the body she should have had at birth.

So… She vowed to never tell anyone that she was not just a man because her anatomy said so, but rather she saw, felt, and knew herself to be female. For years, well into her adulthood, Michelle kept that secret under lock and key. In fact, she was so protective of her true gender that, even after she moved out and was living on her own with complete privacy, she rarely ever dressed or expressed her femininity in an outward way.

She kept her identity as a trans-woman to herself until we met. Little did either of us know how things would radically change over the course of our relationship…

TG, transgender, MTF, trans-woman

Michelle: The Story Of a TG Woman’s Evolution (III)

transgender, TG, TS, transsexual, TG support

Her Goal of Full Disclosure

Now that we had determined we had a good rapport and clicked in a way that felt so natural, Michelle decided it was time to go back to the beginning. So I could better come to know her, she said she wanted me to know everything about her journey, experiences, feeling, and revelations -before, during, and after the time she learned there were terms that described the way she felt and saw herself: “transgender” and “transsexual”.

She wanted to give me the full picture of her life, not just segments, and I encouraged Michelle to share with me any and everything she wanted, even if she thought it might be inconsequential, silly or completely unrelated.

No Detail Is Unimportant

I am well aware that information or memories that may seem insignificant can end up offering keys and insight to who a person is and what has impacted them in both incidental and profound ways.

I knew for Michelle that would likely be doubly true, given that she was transgender and had never opened up to or explored her gender identity with anyone, so I told her to just go with her stream of consciousness, putting out there whatever crossed her mind with no worries about “rambling” or jumping around in time.

The more I know, the better I am able to offer as much help possible.

No Chance to Know She Was Not Alone

She’d never even been able to ask anyone who was transgender or transsexual about their own feelings or lives and when they realized they were transgender, how they coped, if they could find help for TG individuals, if/how they were able to find their personal peace in being TG, and whether they felt they were always subjected to the myriad of erroneous TG myths that our society perpetuates.

While I may not know how it feels to be transgender in any way, I had known many people who self-identified in a way that did not fall in line with society’s black-and-white version of gender where a penis “makes” you a boy, a vagina “makes” you a girl, and therefore, your anatomy should dictate how YOU see yourself. UGH!

Sharing Her Background

Going Back in Time: The Beginning

Michelle explained to me that she had known as far back as she could remember that she was “different”. Everyone called her by a male name and referred to her as a “boy,” but she never “felt” like a “boy” should feel.

During her youth, she had always been drawn to girls – “not like boys usually are,” because she felt she “fit in better with girls” and had a “special connection” to them. She loved the way they dressed, how they interacted together (“like there was this ‘girls’ club’ atmosphere among them), and the way she felt when she was around them. She sensed some “ abstract commonality” she could not describe or explain at the time.

…But she KNEW she felt like one of them, regardless of being told she was a “boy”…

(To be continued…)

TG, transgender, MTF, trans feminine