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Closet Crossdresser (II): The Control Freak Goes Overboard

Crossdressing Lockdown!dominant, submissive, crossdressing

After the attempts to have his wife humor his bondage, crossdressing, and domination fantasies fell by the wayside over time, this closet crossdressing control freak decided he would just shut it all down.

In remaining true to his need to be in total control of everything, he decided to slap a mental lock on his desires to crossdress, express his sense of femininity, and be submissive – and keep them contained in “the vault”.

On down the line, I began to refer to this place as a “mental prison,” where the femininity-loving part of himself was held like a princess in a tower… held where there was no chance of any feminine desires escaping and showing themselves.

You Can’t Run Away

Despite his best efforts at suppressing his desires, the situation only got worse, the overwhelming urges to crossdress and feel feminine joy would not go away, and a clear development of personas began to emerge.

As it turns out, macho man-in-charge had created a clear division within himself between the masculine warden (“the blue man”) and feminine prisoner (“the pink girl”). The blue side was now a man’s man with only the most masculine of behaviors and desires; the pink side only wanted to don beautiful women’s lingerie and apparel and bask in the glory of femininity.

Chaos ensued.

Still Clinging to Control

During the time that he was trying to perfect the practice of suppression, THE rule was that the warden of (pseudo-)masculinity was not allowing his feminine persona out to give her a short break, a little recognition – or Heaven forbid, a moment of freedom. He was a cruel, selfish, insensitive, and despicable jailer.

BUT… We all know there are exceptions to every rule, and warden blue man’s exception was to allow the feminine part of his psyche out ONLY under the strictest of control ON HIS TERMS.

Big surprise. Right?

Why Would You Do Such a Thing?!

While he wouldn’t give that crossdressing “pink girl” inside of him a moment of real peace, his cruel, angry, self-instituted, penile penal system WOULD allow this lifelong part of himself out ONLY for one selfish and tightly-controlled purpose: to be objectify and disrespect her.

Instead of treating the beautiful, soft, elegant crossdresser with caring and dignity, the tyrant in charge treated his feminine persona as his personal courtesan, and he only gave her enough time and freedom in the proverbial light of day to play dress up, be his sex toy, and get him off.

As soon as he got his jollies, back into the dark, dank, tiny mental prison cell went the crossdressing, feminine, submissive side of himself – until he needed her out again to satisfy his own sexual urges.

And then he called me…

feminization, male submission, closet crossdresser

2 comments to Closet Crossdresser (II): The Control Freak Goes Overboard

  • yvonne

    Hi Ms

    This is a most interesting series. Every cross dresser starts out in the closet. It is getting out of there that is the big obstacle. The closet is just a euphemism for keeping all these desires under wraps. We all go thru the denial, the guilt, the exasperation. LDW and Ms Olivia came to my rescue. Thru her teaching I have gotten rid of the conflict. Both my male and female side are now on the same side. We both want Yvonne to be all she can be. Tim has already done his part. Now it is Yvonne’s turn.

    xxxxx
    yvonne

  • EmmaJane

    It’s always nice to have your input, Yvonne, particularly given your own experiences as a crossdresser and genuine love of the inherent beauty in femininity.

    I opted to use the description of “closet crossdresser” here in a very specific way as it relates to this individual’s own meaning and use of the term. While he has truly been a lifelong crossdresser (with an exceptionally interesting history), as an adult he has never truly been “in the closet” as it refers to keeping his desires to crossdress a complete secret from everyone; his wife was aware of his crossdressing desires before they ever married. He was open, she tried to participate but just didn’t “feel it,” and she never discouraged him from dressing (as long as he did not demand or require her direct involvement).

    When it comes to his own mental closet, he has vacillated for decades from accepting it is part of who he is, indulging it, and seemingly embracing it to tantruming and lamenting in his mental closet, charging out of it with a vengeance and then retreating into it in an effort to suppress his desires – because in the way of many control freaks, he wanted it to be all or none. If he couldn’t have his way with his crossdressing and submission, then he just didn’t want to entertain it at all (hence locking the pink girl away in that mental prison).

    As for experiencing guilt, that is one feeling he never seems to have truly felt. The only time he acknowledges any feelings of guilt are when it comes to reflecting on past times when his wife had agreed to play a direct role in his desires; he truly adores his wife, and I believe his submissive desires ultimately led to this guilt. Also, while he actively suppressed his desires, I would say he was never in actual “denial,” and he himself adamantly claims he always knew without a doubt who he is and was.

    He is a perfect example of why each and every crossdresser deserves nothing less than to be taken in his own context and understood in his own history, present time, and experiences. I am so pleased that you have arrived at a place where you know that Yvonne is part of who you are and she deserves acknowledgement and the opportunity to express herself. I would like to thank you for sharing yourself, your thoughts, and your experiences openly as you do. You are a true asset to the LDW community and those crossdressers who are seeking what you have found here. 🙂

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