Weekly Rant from Mistress EmmaJane’s Southern Soapbox

Hello, my dears, from your favorite, fiery Southern Mistress!

 

First, let me express my appreciation to all of you wonderful guys and gals who have been amused by and found enjoyment in my silky, sultry, Southern vocal demeanor. I am consistently flattered by the compliments – and bemused by the surprise of some that Your Mistress EmmaJane is a highly capable, well-spoken, whip-cracking, intelligent woman.

 

It has come to your Goddess’ attention that I need to highlight some common misconceptions on hailing from the Heart of Dixie and, by way of birthplace, possessing a particular accent.  That said, let us address –and promptly correct- some fallacies about Southern-born people.  (You thought I’d say “folks,” didn’t you?)

 

#1: All Southerners acquired their language skills and limited vocabulary from Hee Haw.

 

Not only is this a blatant fallacy, but there are those of us who were born and raised South of the Mason-Dixon line who have never even seen HeeHaw.  Some of us actually possess –and appropriately apply- the ability to spell and pronounce multisyllabic words, observe punctuation rules, implement our verbiage, and exercise diction correctly.

 

#2: Those in the South are fortunate to graduate from grade school.

 

Surprise!  While there are high school graduates in each of the 50 states that leave twelfth grade with the inability to read and/or write, there are actually those of us in the South who not only attend college, but graduate with multiple undergraduate and -*drum roll*- post-graduate degrees.

 

#3: A Southern accent carries with it an inherent deficiency of capable brain cell activity and usage as well as a double-digit IQ.

 

No. We are not all “dense as a fencepost” as is a common misconception.  Can we grasp the concept of statistical averages, which are not defied by geographic region?  In fact, there are those of us who fall in the top tail-end of the Bell Curve.

 

#4: All Southerners speak only in contractive and monosyllabic terms.

 

If one were to wade past misconceptions, it might come as a great shock to find that there are those of us from the Deep South who are more than familiar with a dictionary and are well-equipped in speaking correct English and use terms –properly, I might add- that meet with “Huh?” by the general population.  (See also #2.)

 

#5: Each Southern woman must fit one of two female typecasts: Scarlett O’Hara or Joy from My Name is Earl.

 

There are as many variations among Southern women as are differences in snowflakes. We do not all meet immediate and clear assignment to either the upper-class, genteel, conservative, delicate female flower team or the twangy, obnoxiously loud, Daisy-Duke-short-wearing, $2.00 hooker, trailer park trash segment.  Some of us are distinct individuals who fit no preconceived notions of Southern –or any other stereotype of- Womanhood.

 

#6: All Southern women need to be “led” by a man.

 

All I have to say on this fallacy is the following: Given a strong female role model, some of us have evolved into women who are not led by but LEAD and DOMINATE men.

 

#7: Women in the South believe our purpose in life is to be uneducated, barefoot, and pregnant.

 

Let’s see… Mistress EmmaJane holds a post-graduate degree, has a shoe fetish, and has birthed no babies. Need I say more?

 

#8: All Southern-bred people greet others with “Hey y’all!”

 

Of those of you who have spoken with me, have you ever been greeted with this phrase? I think not.

 

 

In closing, I have only one brief statement to prepare those of you who have not yet had the unrivaled pleasure of experiencing Mistress EmmaJane: Do not let the Southern drawl fool you…